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"I'm so glad we had this chat," I told him, "because I think it's important that I give you some specific information. You are not just in the bottom 25 percent. Out of fifty students in the class, your peers ranked you dead last. You are number fifty. You have a serious issue. They say you're not listening. You're hard to get along with. It's not going well."
The student was shocked. (They're always shocked.) He had had all of these rationalizations, and now here I was, giving him hard data.
And then I told him the truth about myself. "I used to be just like you," I said. "I was in denial. But I had a professor who showed he cared about me by smacking the truth into my head. And here's what makes me special: I listened."
This student's eyes widened. "I admit it," I told him. "I'm a recovering jerk. And that gives me the moral authority to tell you that you can be a recovering jerk, too."
For the rest of the semester, this student kept himself in check. He improved. I'd done him a favor, just as Andy van Dam had done for me years before.
The student was shocked. (They're always shocked.) He had had all of these rationalizations, and now here I was, giving him hard data.
And then I told him the truth about myself. "I used to be just like you," I said. "I was in denial. But I had a professor who showed he cared about me by smacking the truth into my head. And here's what makes me special: I listened."
This student's eyes widened. "I admit it," I told him. "I'm a recovering jerk. And that gives me the moral authority to tell you that you can be a recovering jerk, too."
For the rest of the semester, this student kept himself in check. He improved. I'd done him a favor, just as Andy van Dam had done for me years before.
Don't Obsess Over What People Think
I've found that a substantial fraction of many people's days is spent worrying about what others think of them. If nobody ever worried about what was in other people's heads, we'd all be 33 percent more effective in our lives and on our jobs. How did I come up with 33 percent? I'm a scientist. I like exact numbers, even if I can't always prove them. So let's just run with 33 percent.
I used to tell anyone who worked in my research group: "You don't ever have to worry about what I'm thinking. Good or bad, I'll let you know what's in my head."
That meant when I wasn't happy about something, I spoke up, often directly and not always tactfully. But on the positive side, I was able to reassure people: "If I haven't said anything, you have nothing to worry about."
Students and colleagues came to appreciate that, and they didn't waste a lot of time obsessing over "What is Randy thinking?" Because mostly, what I was thinking was this: I have people on my team who are 33 percent more effective than everyone else. That's what was in my head.
I've found that a substantial fraction of many people's days is spent worrying about what others think of them. If nobody ever worried about what was in other people's heads, we'd all be 33 percent more effective in our lives and on our jobs. How did I come up with 33 percent? I'm a scientist. I like exact numbers, even if I can't always prove them. So let's just run with 33 percent.
I used to tell anyone who worked in my research group: "You don't ever have to worry about what I'm thinking. Good or bad, I'll let you know what's in my head."
That meant when I wasn't happy about something, I spoke up, often directly and not always tactfully. But on the positive side, I was able to reassure people: "If I haven't said anything, you have nothing to worry about."
Students and colleagues came to appreciate that, and they didn't waste a lot of time obsessing over "What is Randy thinking?" Because mostly, what I was thinking was this: I have people on my team who are 33 percent more effective than everyone else. That's what was in my head.
"It's over," I said to Jai. "My goose is cooked."
"What do you mean?" she asked. I told her the CA 19-9 value. She had educated herself enough about cancer treatment to know that 208 indicated metastasis: a death sentence. "It's not funny," she said. "Stop joking around."
I then pulled up my CT scans on the computer and started counting. "One, two, three, four, five, six …" I could hear the panic in Jai's voice. "Don't tell me you're counting tumors," she said. I couldn't help myself. I kept counting aloud. "Seven, eight, nine, ten …" I saw it all. The cancer had metastasized to my liver.
Jai walked over to the computer, saw everything clearly with her own eyes, and fell into my arms. We cried together. And that's when I realized there was no box of tissues in the room. I had just learned I would soon die, and in my inability to stop being rationally focused, I found myself thinking: "Shouldn't a room like this, at a time like this, have a box of Kleenex? Wow, that's a glaring operational flaw."
"What do you mean?" she asked. I told her the CA 19-9 value. She had educated herself enough about cancer treatment to know that 208 indicated metastasis: a death sentence. "It's not funny," she said. "Stop joking around."
I then pulled up my CT scans on the computer and started counting. "One, two, three, four, five, six …" I could hear the panic in Jai's voice. "Don't tell me you're counting tumors," she said. I couldn't help myself. I kept counting aloud. "Seven, eight, nine, ten …" I saw it all. The cancer had metastasized to my liver.
Jai walked over to the computer, saw everything clearly with her own eyes, and fell into my arms. We cried together. And that's when I realized there was no box of tissues in the room. I had just learned I would soon die, and in my inability to stop being rationally focused, I found myself thinking: "Shouldn't a room like this, at a time like this, have a box of Kleenex? Wow, that's a glaring operational flaw."